When a Racer is in the process of writing a blog but is not ready to publish it yet, they save the post as "under development" and it stays archived for further construction. Sometimes it's because we are not finished writing it and sometimes it's almost finished but we are waiting for the outcome of the story to emerge before releasing it publicly.
And sometimes Jesus tells us to wait because it's just not quite the right time to let it go.
If you notice, each Racer has a different style of writing for their Race and also their audience back home simply appreciates a differently captured version of this journey. Some people tell stories and others, facts. I lean towards just sharing my heart, wherever it's at each month, in hopes that it will connect with my readers in a impacting and personal way. I feel that when this ends, I will explain what the World Race was all about but for now, my thoughts are just continually layed out on a dish for you to either stick a fork in or not! Ha!
This time I want to share with you what God did in my heart yesterday, a random day on my Race. When I finish, I believe you will see the correlation between my blog posts and me, both for sure "under development." For weeks I have simply been pushing forward. I became Squad Leader and dove ino this role head first. Love it. Worked through the loneliness that not having a "team" can bring and remained Spirit led as I traversed each new day of 1on1's and daily planning. Meanwhile, my heart denied its' longings for adventure, negated receiving feedback, and ran from a future that God was laying out all too clearly before me. I have always had a "radical" heart, willing most days to follow God to the ends of the earth and satisfied to go it alone, despite sacrifice. That way of living is what I've seemingly been groomed for and my expectations in that have been ridiculously high. "normal living" has been out of the question . . . And then yesterday happened.
Excuse me when I say that a certain something "hit the fan" and I came to the halting reality that Jesus has been speaking clearly about His nearing post Race plans and they are anything but "wild" in my way of thinking. It was time He and I had a chat so He took me on a walk through a few beautiful back ally-ways of the Chiang Mai residential district. Having just crushed a few feelings of friends who got in the way of my screeching emotions, my pot of hot temper boiled over and I found myself getting purposefully "lost" in this great city. Right about the time I grinned at my desertion of God's intentions for me, I glanced upwards and past the high walls that were seemingly protecting me from my unwanted and safe life ahead. There it was, high above the rest and yelling at me as strong towers seem to do, the Imperial Hotel, a landmark only 1 kelo from my house. I was not lost at all. Actually, I had been led in the safest direction possible.
As I began to get mad at the irony of it all, God spoke directly to my stubborn heart as He filled me suddenly with both His peace and joy. He said, "Lauren. You can run away from my plan but it doesn't mean I have left you or given up. Like that building, I've been here the whole time with you and I always will be." He continued to speak and as I walked closer and closer to the approaching image of a building, I began to sink further and further into His refuge and love. He is the only constant I will ever know.
That day didn't end there but He continued to share with me The depth and blessing of His plans for me, along with his deep delight in who He has made me to be. As He spoke, my satisfaction in both of these grew too and my enthusiasm blossomed to radiant. The term "radical" for me means "deeply uncomfortable." This feeling is anything but misery but instead a life that seems safe and sound and is but that also ignites my heart and personality for its' magnificent purpose, to walk as "Lauren" wherever i am and in whatever I'm doing, aware that it is not only enough in his kingdom work but valuable in a way that Jesus and I may only ever understand.