This weekend approaches quickly and I feel as if I have lost all control.
Last Sunday I began to feel dizzy. I had experienced this sensation a couple of times beginning back in early August but not as severely as this current time. In weeks and months prior, the dizziness was gone within a day or two. My mom mentioned that it was probably a virus or something and just needed to be slept through. So I would just lay around (Not easy for me to do, although I'm better about it than I used to be) until I felt relief. This time was different. The dizziness was not just me spinning while the world stood still but instead began with the room around me, along with all of it's contents and I was the last to feel the movement. In other words, everything was spinning. I had no control. No longer could I hold on to the wall beside me because that darn wall was spinning too!
Two days later, with dizziness as my only symptom, my mom and I headed off to Urgent Care. I don't have insurance at the moment so doctor's visits are out of the question until it's a "have to" situation. This was a definite "have to." 4 1/2 hours later (Not too bad for a ER visit but still a long time in the middle of the week, when my mom has to be up at 5 and back at the hospital for work), I was sent home with a prescription for a heavy duty Dramamine like medication and the good word that my cat scan had returned negative and that my blood-work was almost perfect. Anything life-threatening was tossed off the list of causes. Amen.
I rode home in the passenger seat, thankful I would live to see my 27th birthday, be it spinning as it could be, and for a mother who took hours of her life midweek to sit next to my bed as the nurses prodded with my veins four times before they found a worthy one for lab work. I was thankful also that the IV had given me enough electrolytes and hydration that I was experiencing a little relief from my spinning world. Nothing was solved though and this bothered me. I would still be reeling tomorrow, unless there was a miracle.
For those of you that don't know or simply need a reminder, I have been blessed with two jobs since moving to Pcola, I am a nanny for a 3 month old little boy a couple of days a week and I Instruct dance and coach tumbling at a local community center 3 nights a week as well. I LOVE my jobs. I was scared of the baby at first, especially him being a boy and me having grown up with 4 sisters . . . but that's a whole different topic. I LOVE my jobs. To get paid to love on a child and to minister to the heart of the little dancer/gymnast every day, it feels like a dream.
Now that you're caught up, you can imagine the terror in my heart of being severely dizzy. Vertigo, as I was informed that I have, is not something to play around with. This would include driving, moving, shifting weight, not to mention pirouettes, cartwheels and back handsprings, even spotting is dangerous for me and the tumbler with my head feeling so weird. Frustrated. Out of control. As much as I would like to say that my attitude stayed positive as a person of hope's attitude should, It hasn't. I've been miserable. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for the Lord to keep my mind selfless and my mouth filtered but the lack of control in my every day life by this physical impairment, brought me to my wits end. Coming into this weekend, I feel less worthy to be called a child of God than I have in a long time. My peace is shaken, my heart angry, and my love for others AND MYSELF limited.
You know it's when I can't see that I am most dissatisfied? I become extremely irritated with everything and everyone in my life (as if it's their fault!) simply because I am unclear as to what is going on and/or how to fix it. I feel off track. Life becomes all about me and I am left sinking into guilt and shame for my attitude and actions. Fits of anger inward or outward fall underneath the category of sin. This is confession. This is hopefully relatable. And this post, in all of it's ugliness, is not without hope. I am reminded in the stillness of the coming weekend that I need none but Jesus. My friend sent me the Christy Nockels' song day before yesterday that is entitled "None but Jesus" and it really has been a good reminder today as I have sat in my shame that when my eyes begin to look around and feel lost in the swimming world surrounding me, that there is One that never moves. There is One constant. There is only One to fully trust and that One is Jesus.
This world is fickle and my lack of ability to control it or even me sometimes can create in me, if allowed, the idea that all is lost . . . when in fact, nothing has changed. I can easily forget the awesome prognosis that I'm not going to die because my dizziness is a sign of something worse. Instead, if I can look to God and say, "I can't even see Lord so please . . . lead me," the refreshment of my weary soul shall come. My joy is not built on my atmosphere or my ability to make things happen. My joy is built by God's presence in me. His hope. His future. His love. His CLEAR vision of what was, what is, and what is to come. Trust. I must trust. He will not force me to do so but has and will show me that I can.
This time I stumbled before I fell into His arms. Next time maybe, just maybe . . . I'll look up first.
"I love you Lord and I'm so sorry that I forget that you've got this life and that You've never let me go. May my mind stay on the task at hand, to serve you with everything I have and am, vision or no vision . . . hearing or no hearing . . . because you are worthy and have called me to do more than think about me. I am not always capable but you always are. I humbly bow down again and surrender it all to you. Amen."
Have you been like me lately, feeling frustrated, confused, or even lost in the midst of your temporary trial? Share with me, I'd love to hear how God is working in your life to turn this trial into an obstacle for growth. Blessings!
“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3,7
‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10
I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8 (AMP)