Saturday, October 12, 2013

Day 11.

There is a lot about faith I don't know... hence the series.

With that said, I think I've figured out the "not by sight" part. Funny enough, it happened today. I figured out a piece of what seems to be a "faith puzzle" today, as I heard the results of my eye exam... the second one of the day.

May the FAITH story begin...

When I was 14 years old... or so.... I was suffering with headaches that would often lead to migraines. Serious stuff. It could have been stress, looking back at the season of life I was nearly just beginning, but it wasn't. Went to the optometrist, he recommended glasses because of a severe astigmatism. "Prism" glasses were prescribed because of their ability to help my two eyes focus on the same thing at the same time. Bring my eyes to one singular point. How much of a simile that was for my needs in life, at the time I had no clue!

Through college, I wore my reading glasses religiously. Most of the time, it worked too.

As an adult, a very responsible one of course, I lost my glasses. Having no insurance and under no one's specific care, withstanding my own... I gave up on wearing glasses again altogether.

Last year on the World Race, month 11, I went with friends to a very inexpensive eye glass store and underwent the test to see how bad my sight was... .25. Hm. Weird.

But wear my glasses, I have. They just didn't seem to help me at all but I thought, well, that's what I get for having an eye exam in Cambodia without my accurate prescription!

Since being home, you may have noticed, but I write a LOT! I love to write! I'm becoming a "writer" I guess, although people still have to call me that 3 times each before I'll slightly believe them! Oh, insecurities.

With this embraced passion to be a storyteller, I have begun to struggle with my eyesight. I've utilized the tired eyes techniques and taken screen fasts... all of it. But still, my eyes go blurry and these glasses just... well, they don't do anything!

The Lion's Club here locally have recently blessed my socks off. I applied with them for eye care assistance, since I was still in financial transition from coming off the field and was gladly approved with a small co-pay. Aka I went to the Opthamologist yesterday with the hope that my basically FREE professional exam and glasses would be fruitful in clearing up my sight issues.

As I sat in the waiting room, that fear that we all have when we know something is wrong with us physically but think irrationally that the Doctor will just think we are crazy between the ears... yeah that, it began to creep in. Actually, I told the Doctor I feared that since I can't keep anything to myself these days! She smiled and continued with the exam.

As she progressed through the VERY THOROUGH exam, my worst fear happened...

"Ms. Clement (That's never good!), I am finding literally NOTHING wrong with your eyesight!"

But there IS!!! I promise!!! I wanted to scream it. Instead, I stared at her blankly.

She offered to dilate my eyes anyway for the retina exam. I agreed, attempting to stall my departure in case she reconsidered her findings... after all, I had already picked out my cute new frames!!!!

As I waited, and spoke sweetly to my waiting room ladies, who love to pry into the life of a youngin' in her late 20's... I began to think about how I would tell people that all that time, I didn't even NEED the glasses I had worn and that apparently my old doctor had made it all up to get us out of his office, having left a hefty check on the counter first.

It was humiliating. It was confusing... and I felt it was just wrong! I know my body after all!!

Then the drops in my eyes set in.

Sheldon told me that he can drive when his eyes are dilated. I know, I told him he shouldn't. Mama then confirmed that she mostly functioned fine afterwards.... but that some are more sensitive to it (She's my  mom so she's the main one that is supposed to make me feel like I am sane after all!). I told them both that I literally couldn't see. Oh, dramatic me.

The man that had helped me pick my frames was standing near by and I asked him to find my mama's contact on my phone for me. He said, "You can't see it at all?" Nope. That's why I asked. He quickly pointed to something else and said, "What about that, can you read it?" Apparently there was something on that poster that I was supposed to be able to read. Nope. He chuckled and said, "You aught to tell the Doctor how affected you were by those drops!"

I didn't have to because I straight up tripped coming in the door of her office. But for good measure I simply inquired, "Dr. Brennen, is there a reason that some people are more highly affected by the drops than others? I just can't see hardly at all."

She looked at me for a second, or so I suppose because there was a stirring silence following my words. She responded with, "Well, let's just see." She began step 1 of my previous eye exam from 30 minutes earlier.

After a few seconds of flipping those lenses right over my long eye-lashes, she exclaimed, "Well, look a'there!"

Yep. I'm far sighted. Really, really farsighted.

She explained to me, after having started from the beginning of the exam again, that I had learned to control the muscles in my eyes with great excellence and furthered her explanation with how amazed she was at the control I had on my own body. Ha. If she only knew! I did share with her that my family had been through a lot growing up and that doctors tended to state things like that to my sisters and I every time we went for a check up of any sort. It's just our life and how we've overcome.

So yeah, ladies and gents, I will get to wear my cute frames after all and hopefully will no longer be plagued by my own creative craft with headaches and extreme blurred vision! Praise the Lord!!! The drops did it, I actually relaxed enough to get an accurate account of what I had known all along.

What I learned through the process was even more valuable, I do believe. God showed me something about faith and how even when I can't see... or am told that what I know to be true, isn't. I can still trust. I can still believe... I can have faith that it is. Because it was. And He is. And I have faith that He will confirm in me His identity, as He skillfully unveils my own.

Faith. You can't see it. But you can know you have it by trusting that God is Who He says He is and He's not going anywhere. You can hear Him speak. You can feel His love and peace. YOU CAN have faith even when you're not "supposed" to.

Sometimes it just takes giving up control. A lot of the conferences I have been a part of, have been so very effective because the people there were willing to give up what they came in with for something new. Something better. Something true. Someone Who has always been. I've seen them lay on the floor and wait for a transformation in their hearts. Vulnerability was called out and affirmation of what is flowed in. A give and a take. Giving up what was or is for something better. A Better and truer future, based on the love of a great, great God that has been here all along... waiting on us to relax and give HIM control of the life He created in the first place. Sometimes it takes a bit of patience with ourselves to let His truth sink in... you know, the waiting room of our hearts' desires. But when it does, we can see clearer than we have ever in our lives! And there's just so much to see!! You may not agree with me as you've read this but that's my account of what I learned on day 11 of this month of faith questions and answers!

This experience has made me stubborn to what other humans want from me. An acknowledgement that He may not be who he says he is and what I've always believed in... yikes. So much humiliation, confusion... but wait... He is. There it is. Truth.

Try and prove to me that my God doesn't exist. I dare you. I won't argue with you. Nope, don't have to. I know He does. I've experienced Him personally. I choose to have faith.  I choose to have faith.


If you would like to experience Him, please email me, find me on FB... ask a trusted friend to tell you how you can, something! And today! Today is THE day that you accept this gift of truth!

Comment below with your recent "faith" account!!! Do you see clearer about a specific topic of faith than you ever have before? Again, share below!

(To read more in this 31 Days of Faith series, click HERE!!! Or to read the collaborative efforts of 31 Days writers, click The Nester!!)

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